Understanding and Healing Shame: A Guide for Parents and Individuals

Shame is a heavy emotion that can deeply impact how we see ourselves and how we relate to others. Whether you're a parent trying to help your child navigate feelings of shame or someone on a personal journey of healing, understanding how shame works and how to overcome it is essential for emotional well-being. Based on the work of trauma expert Janina Fisher, this post will explore practical, effective ways to recognize and manage shame, so you and your loved ones can lead healthier, more confident lives.

What Is Shame, and How Does It Affect Us?

Shame tells us that something is wrong with who we are, not just with what we've done. It’s that inner voice that says, “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t belong,” or “I’m a failure.” Unlike guilt, which focuses on actions ("I did something bad"), shame attacks our sense of self ("I am bad"). It can come from childhood experiences, trauma, or societal pressures, and it’s often reinforced by criticism, rejection, or unrealistic expectations.

Shame is not just a mental experience—it’s something we feel in our bodies. For example, when we’re ashamed, we might want to shrink, avoid eye contact, or hide. This physical response is a key aspect of how shame affects us, which is why healing needs to involve both the mind and body.

Recognizing Shame: Signs to Look Out For

Before we can address shame, we need to understand how it shows up. Here are some signs of shame, especially for parents or individuals trying to recognize it in themselves or others:

• Withdrawal or Isolation: Avoiding social situations or people, often out of fear of being judged or rejected.

• Harsh Self-Criticism: Constantly putting yourself down, feeling like nothing you do is good enough.

• Perfectionism: Striving for unattainable standards to avoid feeling “less than” or “unworthy.”

• Defensiveness or Anger: Reacting strongly to criticism, often as a way to protect yourself from feeling shame.

• Physical Reactions: Feeling tension in your body, slumping your shoulders, or a desire to hide when faced with difficult emotions.

For parents, recognizing these signs in your child can help you support them before shame takes hold. Children might act out or withdraw as a way to cope with shame, so it’s important to see these behaviors as cries for help rather than simply defiance or disobedience.

The Path to Healing Shame

Healing shame involves addressing both the cognitive aspects (how we think about shame) and the somatic aspects (how we experience shame in our bodies). By understanding this mind-body connection, individuals can begin to work through shame on a deeper level, recognizing how it affects both thoughts and physical sensations. This holistic approach allows for a more complete and lasting healing process.

Here’s how you can begin to heal:

Reframe Shame as a Survival Strategy

Shame often develops as a way to protect us, especially in difficult environments. For example, children who grow up in critical or neglectful homes may feel shame as a way to cope. Instead of thinking, “My parents don’t care about me,” they think, “I must be the problem.” This belief helps them manage the emotional pain of neglect.

For parents and individuals, reframing shame as a survival strategy can be incredibly powerful. It helps you understand that shame isn’t a sign of weakness or failure but something that once helped you cope. This shift in perspective is the first step in breaking free from shame’s grip.

Tune Into the Body

Since shame is a body-based emotion, it’s important to notice how it affects you physically. Do you feel tense or small when you’re ashamed? Does your chest tighten, or do you avoid eye contact? Fisher’s approach encourages us to pay attention to these physical responses. By simply noticing how shame shows up in the body, we create space to shift those reactions.

Try this with your child or yourself: Next time shame arises, take a moment to pause. Check in with your body. Are your shoulders hunched? Is your breathing shallow? Once you notice these signs, gently change your posture. Stand tall, breathe deeply, and relax your body. This simple act can begin to disrupt shame’s power.

Practice Compassionate Self-Awareness

Fisher’s work also highlights the importance of self-compassion. Often, we try to push shame away or criticize ourselves for feeling it. Instead, it’s important to bring curiosity and compassion to our shameful feelings. Ask yourself (or your child) questions like:

• “Why do I feel this way?”

• “What is this emotion trying to tell me?”

• “Can I be kind to myself in this moment?”

For parents, this is a critical step in supporting children through their shame. Instead of rushing to fix or dismiss their feelings, listen with empathy. Let them know that it’s okay to feel shame and that they are still worthy of love, no matter what.

Shift the Focus Through the Body

Just as shame shows up physically, healing can also come through the body. Fisher’s approach includes helping individuals change their physical stance to interrupt shame. Encourage your child—or yourself—to practice "power poses," such as standing tall with arms open or taking deep breaths to ground and calm the body.

For example, if your child feels ashamed after being reprimanded, you might encourage them to stand up straight, take a few deep breaths, and say something positive about themselves. By practicing these small body-based shifts, you teach them that they can take control of how they feel, even when shame strikes.

Rebuild Confidence with Positive Reinforcement

Shame erodes self-esteem, so it’s important to rebuild a sense of self-worth. For parents, this means celebrating your child’s efforts and encouraging them to take pride in their strengths. Instead of focusing on mistakes, highlight what they did well and remind them that their worth isn’t defined by any single action.

For individuals, practicing positive affirmations and self-praise can help shift the negative narrative of shame. Keep a journal where you write down things you’re proud of or moments where you overcame a challenge. Over time, these small moments of affirmation will help restore a more positive self-image.

Final Thoughts: Moving Beyond Shame

Shame can feel like an insurmountable wall, but with the right tools, it can be managed and eventually overcome. By recognizing that shame is not a reflection of who we are but rather a response to past experiences, we can begin to loosen its grip on our lives. Whether you’re a parent helping your child navigate feelings of shame or someone trying to heal from your own experiences, the key is to approach yourself with compassion, patience, and a willingness to heal both mind and body.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Shame may tell you otherwise, but you are always worthy of love, acceptance, and belonging. Schedule an appointment with me today to assist you or a loved one trying to work through and process shame.

How Therapy Nurtures Clients and the Benefits of Seeing a Therapist

Therapy is a powerful tool for personal growth, healing, and emotional resilience. For individuals navigating life’s challenges, seeking professional help can offer long-term benefits for mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. Therapists play an essential role in nurturing clients through a supportive, non-judgmental environment. This blog explores how therapists provide that care and the tangible benefits clients can experience.

How Therapists Nurture Clients

Creating a Safe, Non-Judgmental Environment: A key to effective therapy is the creation of a safe and comfortable space where clients can openly express their feelings. Therapists build trust with clients, offering a confidential environment that fosters vulnerability. Feeling secure is critical for clients to explore difficult emotions, mental health concerns, and personal growth without fear of judgment.

Providing Emotional Support and Understanding: Therapists offer more than just advice—we provide emotional support and understanding. Whether clients are dealing with anxiety, depression, grief, or trauma, therapists guide them through these challenges, validating their experiences. This emotional support helps clients process and cope with overwhelming feelings, making them feel less isolated in their struggles.

Teaching Coping Strategies and Practical Tools: Therapy is about more than just talking. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and mindfulness techniques are among the many tools therapists use to help clients manage stress, anxiety, and other challenges. These therapeutic approaches equip clients with practical skills to regulate emotions, handle life’s stressors, and navigate difficult situations.

Encouraging Personal Growth and Self-Awareness: One of the most significant aspects of therapy is helping clients develop self-awareness. By examining thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, clients gain a deeper understanding of themselves. This heightened self-awareness leads to personal growth and helps clients make positive changes in their lives, leading to improved mental health and well-being.

Supporting Clients Through Life Transitions: Major life transitions—such as divorce, job changes, or the loss of a loved one—can cause significant emotional strain. Therapists help clients manage these transitions by offering guidance, emotional support, and coping strategies. By nurturing clients through life’s changes, therapists promote resilience and adaptability.

The Benefits of Seeing a Therapist

Improved Mental Health: Therapy is highly effective for treating a wide range of mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, trauma, and grief. Working with a therapist helps clients understand the root causes of their challenges and find healthier ways to cope. Over time, therapy can improve overall mental health, leading to a greater sense of emotional well-being.

Stronger Relationships: Therapy doesn’t just improve the individual—it also strengthens relationships. Through improved communication skills and emotional regulation, clients often experience better connections with their partners, family members, and friends. Therapy helps address issues like conflict resolution, intimacy challenges, and setting healthy boundaries, which all contribute to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Building Emotional Resilience: Life’s challenges can sometimes feel overwhelming, but therapy helps individuals build the emotional resilience needed to navigate tough situations. Clients learn how to manage stress, regulate their emotions, and stay grounded even during difficult times. Emotional resilience is a crucial skill that benefits clients throughout their lives.

Gaining Clarity and Problem-Solving Skills: Therapy offers a structured approach to tackling personal problems. By working through their thoughts and emotions with a therapist, clients gain clarity on their issues. Therapists also help break down larger problems into manageable steps, guiding clients toward effective problem-solving strategies.

Empowerment and Confidence: Through therapy, clients gain a sense of empowerment over their lives. By addressing their mental health issues, setting goals, and learning coping skills, clients feel more in control of their decisions and emotions. This increased confidence leads to a more proactive and fulfilling life.

The Importance of Therapy for Long-Term Well-Being

Therapy isn’t just for those experiencing a crisis. It offers long-term benefits by promoting self-awareness, emotional health, and personal growth. Regular sessions with a therapist can help individuals navigate life’s ups and downs with greater clarity and resilience.

For many, therapy is an ongoing journey toward better mental health. Whether someone is dealing with anxiety, depression, grief, or just seeking to improve their relationships, a therapist provides invaluable support, helping clients make meaningful progress toward their goals.

Therapists nurture their clients by offering emotional support, creating a safe space for exploration, and providing practical tools for growth. The benefits of therapy are wide-ranging, from improved mental health to stronger relationships, greater resilience, and a deeper sense of self-awareness. Whether you're facing a specific challenge or seeking personal growth, therapy offers a nurturing and transformative path to well-being.

Invest in your mental health today and consider therapy as a powerful tool for navigating life's challenges. A trusted therapist can guide you toward healing, growth, and lasting emotional resilience.

Finding Micro Joys in the Midst of Depression and Anxiety

Living with depression and anxiety can make it difficult to find happiness and contentment in everyday life. However, focusing on micro joys—small, fleeting moments of happiness—can provide a sense of relief and help improve mental well-being for children, teens, and adults.

Micro joys are small, simple pleasures that can bring a sense of happiness and satisfaction, even if only for a brief moment. These can be as simple as enjoying a warm cup of tea, feeling the sun on your face, or hearing your favorite song. Recognizing and savoring these moments can help shift focus away from negative thoughts and feelings, providing a mental and emotional boost.

Children: Discovering Joy in Little Moments

Encourage Play and Exploration: Children often find joy in play and exploration. Provide opportunities for them to engage in activities they love, such as playing with toys, exploring nature, or creating art. Encourage them to notice the fun and excitement in these moments.

Celebrate Small Achievements: Recognize and celebrate children's small achievements, whether it's completing a puzzle, drawing a picture, or learning a new skill. Acknowledging these successes can boost their confidence and create feelings of joy.

Practice Gratitude: Introduce simple gratitude practices to help children appreciate the positive aspects of their day. Encourage them to share something they enjoyed or are thankful for each day, fostering a habit of noticing and savoring micro joys.

Mindful Moments: Teach children to engage their senses and be present in the moment. For example, have them close their eyes and listen to the sounds around them, smell a flower, or savor the taste of their favorite snack. These mindful moments can help them connect with their immediate environment and find joy in simple experiences.

Foster Connection: Spend quality time with children, engaging in activities that bring joy to both of you. Whether it’s reading a book together, playing a game, or taking a walk, these shared experiences can create lasting memories and moments of happiness.

Teens: Navigating the Path to Joy

Encourage Hobbies and Interests: Help teens discover and engage in hobbies and interests that bring them joy. Whether it’s playing a musical instrument, drawing, writing, or playing sports, these activities can provide a sense of accomplishment and pleasure.

Mindfulness and Meditation: Introduce mindfulness and meditation practices to help teens stay present and manage overwhelming emotions. Simple exercises like deep breathing, guided imagery, or mindful walking can help them notice and appreciate micro joys throughout their day.

Gratitude Journaling: Encourage teens to keep a gratitude journal, where they write down a few things they are grateful for each day. This practice can help shift their focus towards positive experiences and create a habit of recognizing micro joys.

Connect with Nature: Spending time in nature can be incredibly healing. Encourage teens to take walks, hike, or simply sit outside and observe their surroundings. The beauty of nature can offer countless moments of joy and tranquility.

Social Connections: Support teens in maintaining healthy social connections. Spending time with friends and family, sharing laughter, and engaging in meaningful conversations can provide moments of joy and emotional support.

Adults: Finding Joy in Everyday Life

Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for self-care activities that bring you joy, such as reading, taking a bath, gardening, or enjoying a hobby. Prioritizing self-care can help you recharge and notice the small pleasures in your day.

Mindfulness and Meditation: Practice mindfulness and meditation to stay present and manage stress. Techniques such as mindful breathing, body scans, and meditation can help you connect with the present moment and find joy in simple experiences.

Gratitude Practice: Keep a gratitude journal to document things you are thankful for each day. This practice can help shift your focus towards positive experiences and create a habit of recognizing micro joys.

Connect with Loved Ones: Spend quality time with friends and family, engaging in activities that bring joy and strengthen your relationships. Meaningful connections and shared experiences can provide a sense of happiness and support.

Engage Your Senses: Pay attention to sensory experiences that bring you pleasure. Enjoy the aroma of your morning coffee, the warmth of the sun, the sound of birds chirping, or the feel of soft fabric. Engaging your senses can help you stay present and find joy in everyday moments.

Physical Activity: Incorporate physical activity into your routine. Whether it’s a walk in the park, yoga, dancing, or any other form of exercise you enjoy, physical activity can boost your mood and help you notice moments of joy.

Discovering micro joys in the midst of depression and anxiety is achievable for everyone, regardless of age. By paying attention to small, simple pleasures, you can create moments of happiness and enhance your overall well-being. Whether you're a child, teen, or adult, practicing gratitude, mindfulness, and self-care can help you notice and cherish these brief, joyful moments. Even during tough times, there are always opportunities to discover moments of joy throughout the day. Embrace these moments and let them fill your life with warmth and hope.