Understanding and Healing Shame: A Guide for Parents and Individuals

Shame is a heavy emotion that can deeply impact how we see ourselves and how we relate to others. Whether you're a parent trying to help your child navigate feelings of shame or someone on a personal journey of healing, understanding how shame works and how to overcome it is essential for emotional well-being. Based on the work of trauma expert Janina Fisher, this post will explore practical, effective ways to recognize and manage shame, so you and your loved ones can lead healthier, more confident lives.

What Is Shame, and How Does It Affect Us?

Shame tells us that something is wrong with who we are, not just with what we've done. It’s that inner voice that says, “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t belong,” or “I’m a failure.” Unlike guilt, which focuses on actions ("I did something bad"), shame attacks our sense of self ("I am bad"). It can come from childhood experiences, trauma, or societal pressures, and it’s often reinforced by criticism, rejection, or unrealistic expectations.

Shame is not just a mental experience—it’s something we feel in our bodies. For example, when we’re ashamed, we might want to shrink, avoid eye contact, or hide. This physical response is a key aspect of how shame affects us, which is why healing needs to involve both the mind and body.

Recognizing Shame: Signs to Look Out For

Before we can address shame, we need to understand how it shows up. Here are some signs of shame, especially for parents or individuals trying to recognize it in themselves or others:

• Withdrawal or Isolation: Avoiding social situations or people, often out of fear of being judged or rejected.

• Harsh Self-Criticism: Constantly putting yourself down, feeling like nothing you do is good enough.

• Perfectionism: Striving for unattainable standards to avoid feeling “less than” or “unworthy.”

• Defensiveness or Anger: Reacting strongly to criticism, often as a way to protect yourself from feeling shame.

• Physical Reactions: Feeling tension in your body, slumping your shoulders, or a desire to hide when faced with difficult emotions.

For parents, recognizing these signs in your child can help you support them before shame takes hold. Children might act out or withdraw as a way to cope with shame, so it’s important to see these behaviors as cries for help rather than simply defiance or disobedience.

The Path to Healing Shame

Healing shame involves addressing both the cognitive aspects (how we think about shame) and the somatic aspects (how we experience shame in our bodies). By understanding this mind-body connection, individuals can begin to work through shame on a deeper level, recognizing how it affects both thoughts and physical sensations. This holistic approach allows for a more complete and lasting healing process.

Here’s how you can begin to heal:

Reframe Shame as a Survival Strategy

Shame often develops as a way to protect us, especially in difficult environments. For example, children who grow up in critical or neglectful homes may feel shame as a way to cope. Instead of thinking, “My parents don’t care about me,” they think, “I must be the problem.” This belief helps them manage the emotional pain of neglect.

For parents and individuals, reframing shame as a survival strategy can be incredibly powerful. It helps you understand that shame isn’t a sign of weakness or failure but something that once helped you cope. This shift in perspective is the first step in breaking free from shame’s grip.

Tune Into the Body

Since shame is a body-based emotion, it’s important to notice how it affects you physically. Do you feel tense or small when you’re ashamed? Does your chest tighten, or do you avoid eye contact? Fisher’s approach encourages us to pay attention to these physical responses. By simply noticing how shame shows up in the body, we create space to shift those reactions.

Try this with your child or yourself: Next time shame arises, take a moment to pause. Check in with your body. Are your shoulders hunched? Is your breathing shallow? Once you notice these signs, gently change your posture. Stand tall, breathe deeply, and relax your body. This simple act can begin to disrupt shame’s power.

Practice Compassionate Self-Awareness

Fisher’s work also highlights the importance of self-compassion. Often, we try to push shame away or criticize ourselves for feeling it. Instead, it’s important to bring curiosity and compassion to our shameful feelings. Ask yourself (or your child) questions like:

• “Why do I feel this way?”

• “What is this emotion trying to tell me?”

• “Can I be kind to myself in this moment?”

For parents, this is a critical step in supporting children through their shame. Instead of rushing to fix or dismiss their feelings, listen with empathy. Let them know that it’s okay to feel shame and that they are still worthy of love, no matter what.

Shift the Focus Through the Body

Just as shame shows up physically, healing can also come through the body. Fisher’s approach includes helping individuals change their physical stance to interrupt shame. Encourage your child—or yourself—to practice "power poses," such as standing tall with arms open or taking deep breaths to ground and calm the body.

For example, if your child feels ashamed after being reprimanded, you might encourage them to stand up straight, take a few deep breaths, and say something positive about themselves. By practicing these small body-based shifts, you teach them that they can take control of how they feel, even when shame strikes.

Rebuild Confidence with Positive Reinforcement

Shame erodes self-esteem, so it’s important to rebuild a sense of self-worth. For parents, this means celebrating your child’s efforts and encouraging them to take pride in their strengths. Instead of focusing on mistakes, highlight what they did well and remind them that their worth isn’t defined by any single action.

For individuals, practicing positive affirmations and self-praise can help shift the negative narrative of shame. Keep a journal where you write down things you’re proud of or moments where you overcame a challenge. Over time, these small moments of affirmation will help restore a more positive self-image.

Final Thoughts: Moving Beyond Shame

Shame can feel like an insurmountable wall, but with the right tools, it can be managed and eventually overcome. By recognizing that shame is not a reflection of who we are but rather a response to past experiences, we can begin to loosen its grip on our lives. Whether you’re a parent helping your child navigate feelings of shame or someone trying to heal from your own experiences, the key is to approach yourself with compassion, patience, and a willingness to heal both mind and body.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Shame may tell you otherwise, but you are always worthy of love, acceptance, and belonging. Schedule an appointment with me today to assist you or a loved one trying to work through and process shame.

How to Let Go of Resentment: A Step-by-Step Guide for Inner Peace

Resentment is a heavy burden. It can build over time and quietly damage relationships, mental health, and overall well-being. Whether it stems from a long-term issue or a recent incident, holding onto resentment keeps you stuck in the past. Learning to let go of it is essential for personal growth and emotional freedom. This guide will walk you through practical steps to release resentment and reclaim peace of mind.

What Is Resentment?

Resentment is the lingering feeling of anger or bitterness toward someone or something that has wronged you. These feelings often stem from unresolved conflicts, unmet expectations, or perceived injustices. Over time, resentment can poison relationships and prevent healing.

Why Letting Go of Resentment Matters

Carrying resentment affects not only your emotional well-being but also your physical health. Chronic resentment can contribute to anxiety, depression, and stress. Studies show that long-term bitterness may even weaken your immune system. By letting go, you are not excusing the hurt, but freeing yourself from the grip of negative emotions.

Acknowledge Your Resentment

The first step in letting go is recognizing that you are holding onto resentment. Ask yourself:

• Who am I angry at?

• What exactly do I feel they’ve done wrong?

Identifying the root of your resentment allows you to address it in a healthy way. Journaling can help you dig deeper into your emotions and clarify what is fueling the bitterness.

Shift Your Perspective

Resentment often thrives because we are stuck in one perspective: ours. Try to see the situation from a different angle. Was the person truly malicious, or were they acting out of their own pain or ignorance?

While this doesn’t justify hurtful actions, understanding that people are complex and fallible can soften your anger. Compassion opens the door to forgiveness.

Practice Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the antidote to resentment, but it doesn’t mean you have to forget or condone what happened. It means releasing the emotional grip the event has on you. To start, reflect on what forgiveness would look like for you. Can you create space for healing without needing an apology?

By forgiving, you’re not letting the other person off the hook—you’re freeing yourself from emotional suffering.

Focus on What You Can Control

One of the main reasons resentment lingers is that we often try to change the past or control how others act. Realizing that you can’t control others but can change your response is key to emotional freedom. Redirect your energy into your own healing and growth.

Cultivate Gratitude

Gratitude and resentment cannot coexist. Shifting your focus toward what you are thankful for in your life can dissolve negative emotions. Create a daily gratitude practice by writing down three things you’re thankful for, no matter how small. This practice re-trains your brain to focus on positive experiences and helps you see beyond the hurt.

Set Healthy Boundaries

In some cases, you may need to distance yourself from the person or situation that triggered your resentment. Establishing clear boundaries protects your mental health and prevents further emotional harm. Communicate your limits assertively but with kindness, ensuring your well-being comes first.

Seek Support

Letting go of resentment is not always easy, and it’s okay to seek help. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. They can offer a fresh perspective and provide emotional support as you work through your feelings.

If resentment is deeply ingrained, professional help may be needed to untangle the emotions and memories tied to it. Therapy offers a safe space to explore the roots of your resentment and develop coping strategies.

Focus on Self-Care

Resentment drains your emotional energy. Prioritize self-care by engaging in activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and comfort. Whether it’s exercise, meditation, or spending time with loved ones, self-care helps to replenish your emotional reserves, making it easier to let go of resentment.

Commit to Moving Forward

Letting go is not a one-time event; it’s a daily commitment. Resentment may resurface occasionally, but staying focused on the present and practicing the steps above can help you maintain inner peace. Over time, the weight of resentment will lighten, and you'll feel more empowered.

Letting go of resentment is an act of self-liberation. By acknowledging your feelings, shifting your perspective, and practicing forgiveness, you free yourself from the toxic cycle of anger and bitterness. Remember, letting go is not about excusing hurtful behavior—it’s about reclaiming your emotional well-being and creating space for peace, joy, and growth. Schedule an appointment with me today to assist you or a loved one with helping let go of resentment.

Effective Strategies for Parents: How to Help Your Child or Teen Control Impulses

Impulse control is a crucial skill for children and teens, affecting their ability to make thoughtful decisions, manage their emotions, and interact positively with others. While it’s normal for young people to struggle with impulsivity as they grow and develop, teaching them how to manage their impulses can set the foundation for healthier relationships, better academic performance, and overall well-being. As a parent, you play a vital role in helping your child or teen develop this essential skill. This blog will provide practical strategies to guide you in nurturing impulse control in your children and teens.

Understanding Impulse Control

Impulse control refers to the ability to pause, think, and choose actions that are appropriate and beneficial, rather than acting on immediate desires or emotions. For children and teens, impulse control can be challenging due to the ongoing development of the brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making, planning, and self-regulation.

Impulsivity can manifest in various ways, such as interrupting others, acting without thinking, difficulty waiting for turns, or making hasty decisions that lead to negative consequences. While some impulsivity is normal, especially in younger children, consistent issues with impulse control can impact social relationships, academic success, and emotional well-being.

Strategies to Help Your Child or Teen Develop Impulse Control

Model and Teach Self-Regulation

Children and teens learn a great deal by observing their parents. Model self-regulation in your own behavior by demonstrating how to manage frustration, delay gratification, and think before acting. When you make a decision, explain your thought process out loud. For example, if you’re deciding whether to make a purchase, you might say, “I really want this, but I’m going to think about whether I need it or if it’s within my budget before I buy it.”

Teaching your child specific techniques for self-regulation, such as deep breathing, counting to ten, or taking a moment to think before responding, can help them learn to manage their impulses.

Practice Delayed Gratification

Delayed gratification is the ability to wait for a more significant reward rather than opting for immediate satisfaction. Encourage your child to practice this skill through small, manageable challenges. For example, you could set up a system where they can earn a reward by saving their allowance over several weeks instead of spending it right away.

You can also use games and activities that require waiting or taking turns, such as board games or card games, to help reinforce the concept of delayed gratification.

Create a Structured Environment

A structured environment with clear expectations and routines can help children and teens develop impulse control. Establishing consistent daily routines, such as homework time, meal times, and bedtime, can create a sense of predictability and reduce impulsive behavior. When children know what to expect, they are less likely to act impulsively out of uncertainty or boredom.

Additionally, setting clear rules and consequences for behavior helps children understand the boundaries and encourages them to think before acting. Be consistent in enforcing these rules, as inconsistency can lead to confusion and increase impulsivity.

Teach Problem-Solving Skills

Helping your child develop problem-solving skills can improve their impulse control by encouraging them to think through their actions and consider the consequences before acting. When your child faces a challenge or conflict, guide them through the process of identifying the problem, brainstorming possible solutions, evaluating the pros and cons of each option, and choosing the best course of action.

Encourage them to ask themselves questions like, “What will happen if I do this?” or “Is there a better way to handle this situation?” By practicing this process, they can develop the habit of thinking before acting.

Use Positive Reinforcement

Positive reinforcement can be a powerful tool in helping children and teens develop impulse control. When you notice your child making an effort to control their impulses, praise them and offer specific feedback on what they did well. For example, you might say, “I noticed that you waited patiently for your turn. That was great self-control!”

You can also use a reward system to encourage impulse control. For younger children, a sticker chart or token system can be effective, while older children and teens might respond to privileges like extra screen time or a special outing.

Encourage Mindfulness

Mindfulness practices can help children and teens become more aware of their thoughts, feelings, and impulses, making it easier for them to pause and reflect before acting. Introduce your child to mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing exercises, body scans, or guided imagery.

For younger children, mindfulness can be practiced through simple activities like focusing on their breathing or paying attention to the sensations in their body. Teens might benefit from more structured practices, such as meditation or yoga, which can help them develop a greater sense of self-awareness and self-control.

Set Age-Appropriate Expectations

It’s important to set realistic, age-appropriate expectations for impulse control. Younger children naturally have less self-control than older children and teens, so it’s essential to adjust your expectations based on their developmental stage. Be patient and recognize that developing impulse control is a gradual process that takes time and practice.

For example, a preschooler may struggle with waiting their turn, while a teenager may have difficulty managing their emotions in stressful situations. Tailor your approach to your child’s age and individual needs, and provide support and guidance as they learn to regulate their behavior.

Helping your child or teen develop impulse control is a crucial aspect of their emotional and social development. By modeling self-regulation, creating a structured environment, teaching problem-solving skills, and encouraging mindfulness, you can support your child in learning to manage their impulses effectively. Developing impulse control takes time, so be patient and consistent. With your support, your child or teen can build the self-discipline they need to handle challenges, make good choices, and succeed in their relationships and daily life.